What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
