How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
