The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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