What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
