Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
