My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
