I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Randomize
