Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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