goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
