I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
