bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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