did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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