you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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