I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
