I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
MIDGETS
????
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
