I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
