toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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