its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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