I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
