I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
