You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
