I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
