I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
