Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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