ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
