My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
