Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
