Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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