If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
