Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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