i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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