Dude my mom stole all your condoms
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
