So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
