Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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