it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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