It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
