hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
