This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
