There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
