hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I need a hoe opinion
go on
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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