I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I think I died a long time ago.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Randomize
