His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
