I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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