Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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