He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
