if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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