I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
