This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
