I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
