I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She announced her abortion via fbk
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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